Sept. 13th ... my own 9/11

I started this blog so that all my earth angels (friends, family, and even strangers) can follow me as I journey through Cancerland. Anyone who knows me knows I love to travel, but I really didn't sign up for this trip! (Had a much better time in Asia actually.)

This first post will give you the skinny on how I found myself here:

My primary doctor is a huge advocate for early detection and had mentioned almost 2 years ago when I was 35 that I could start going for yearly mammograms. I left her office that day forgetting to have her write the script, but I must have thought, 'No big deal. I'm not at high risk ... I'm still relatively young and breast cancer doesn't run in my family anyway." Nevertheless, I pride myself on staying on top of my health so when I saw her again this year in May, I asked her about finally getting the prescription. I put it in my purse and left.

But life gets in the way ... I was busy ... I thought from time to time, 'Yeah, I really do have to schedule that thing. But where exactly do I go for a mammogram? How do I schedule that? Just one more thing on my list of things to do. And will it HURT? Is it pain or just pressure?? I'll figure it out when I have some time to process it.'

In late June, I got a call from a good girlfriend of mine. She was hysterical ... she had just gone for her first baseline mammogram and they found a suspicious mass. They wanted her to undergo an ultrasound just to be sure it was nothing. It was around the time of her birthday and she didn't want to deal with it before her birthday. A few weeks later, her ultrasound revealed it was nothing ... just as we had hoped.

So after walking around with that prescription in my wallet for months, I finally got a fire lit under my ass and scheduled the mammo for August 31, 2006. It wasn't so bad ... not painful at all. The very next day, my doctor called and left me a stoic sounding message to call her. It was Labor Day Weekend and my parents were visiting ... I asked Joan, my stepmother, "Why do you suppose my doctor called? Think it had something to do with the mammogram? Is that usual, they call you the very next day??" It concerned me when Joan said they usually write you a letter telling you everything was fine ... but I couldn't speak with my doc until Tuesday.

Tuesday afternoon ... Dr. Morrison called back: "Camille, I really hate doing things like this over the phone ... this doesn't look good. They found small calcifications on your films ... it looks suspicious ... especially because you're so young [note: this isn't necessarily how my gynecologist looks at me when I say I want to have a baby someday]. So I want you to hurry and have them schedule you to take enlarged mammogram views, do an ultrasound, and a possible stereotactic (needle) biopsy. This week if possible, okay?"

If I was a cartoon, you would have seen my eyes dilate like big swirled lollipops and stars would have been spinning over my head!! WHAAAAAAT?!

September 13th was essentially my own 9/11. I had my boobs smashed like pancakes for the enlarged views ... had an ultrasound tech continously roll the probe over the side of my left breast, causing me great discomfort ... and then a large needle was stuck into my boob with a loud vacuum sounding in the room to pull some tissue for pathology. Hey, who said a tumor isn't supposed to HURT?! The radiologist confirmed I had two small tumors sitting side by side at the 3:00 position, measuring together approximately 2.5 cm. (Not exactly a tiny tumor, but not massive either.)

Fast forward ...

These last few weeks have been filled with various surgeon consultations, scans (CT, MUGA, PET, etc.), blood work, meetings with my oncologist, more appointments than I can tell you about. I have to keep a notebook holding all my appointments/research/info in one place to keep it straight in my head. The first few days I lived with my diagnosis were dark ... not because I ever once thought this would kill me ... I was just possessed by all the worse case scenarios. Nothing was more important to me than maintaining my fertility, my breasts, and my hair ... all in that order!

I found incredible support from some AMAZING women in my online support group: www.youngsurvival.org. Without them, I no doubt would still be a complete basket case ... two days of reading through their encouraging posts, detailing their experiences, and I was ready to fight this beast! I went through all the stages of grief very quickly ... shock, anger, denial ... and I've surprised myself by how easily I've been able to move into a pure state of acceptance. I figure if I didn't inherit this (and I'll be doing genetic testing soon to be sure), then I know my life and this experience is being used to teach me something spiritually. And if it's not a lesson for my own life, then perhaps it's a lesson for someone else's ... someone around me whose life I touch. Maybe both. I only wish if God wanted me to get closer to Him, he would have just written me a letter! (Tee, hee ... kidding.)

Tomorrow is when the real party starts! I am going to start my first of several neo-adjuvant chemo treatments. Breast conservation is important to me ... so chemo will provide the best opportunity to see if it will work (my body is the lab) and it will also shrink my tumor significantly ... maybe even down to nothing. What follows is a lumpectomy 6 months from now, radiation, and then a brief period of hormone receptor blockers because of my estrogen dominant status. I am a bit nervous because I truly don't know how I'll respond ... everyone does differently on chemo. One thing for sure is I am going to lose my hair. I've accepted that too ... but not with dignity ... I'm cheating ... I have a hair replacement kit ordered for me already! (Got a chic wig styled in a Chinese chin-length bob as well ... but I'm hoping I won't have to use it.) Click here: www.couture4cancer.org. Mario Mazza is just one of many earth angels in my life these days.

I have truly been overwhelmed by the genuine outpouring of love, concern, and support that I have received from so many people these past couple months. I never imagined I mattered to so many people. It really chokes me up sometimes ... but it also highlights what I've always believed ... that when you boil life down to its bare bones essence, there is NOTHING more important in this world than loving and being loved by your family and friends. Absolutely nothing!