HAPPY 38th BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Not today though ... my birthday was actually Friday, January 19th ... but it took me until today to fully recover from it. (smile!) Here are some additional pics from the party I had Friday night at the Ivy. (Sorors, I assure you the ivy reference was a pure coincidence ... but still kinda cute, huh?) Can you tell I had a GOOOOOOOD time??

So many of my friends came out for it ... and quite a few came into town from as far away as New York, D.C., Houston, Atlanta, and Tampa, specifically for ME! As you can well imagine, this birthday was very special to me. I really didn't even care that I turned another year older ... seriously (and that's BIG for me). I'm just truly grateful to be ALIVE ... and very grateful to have the life that I have, filled with incredibly loving friends and a family that supports me no matter what I do! This is something I've never really taken for granted, but I have to say that having cancer does seem to underscore in a big way just how much my life means to me.

I think about cancer everyday ... maybe not ALL the time, but at least when I wake up and when I go to bed ... and probably, at least, two or three other times throughout the day. I can't seem to stay away from my YSC (Young Survival Coalition) online support group. I visit the site every single day. It's a place that gives me so much information, as well as tremendous hope and encouragement. These ladies teach me through their experiences how to live each day meaningfully and with so much grace, even while some have exhausted all treatment options. It makes me feel good to even share my own limited experience with cancer with terrified newbies whose heads are still reeling from suddenly learning they have breast cancer. It's the one club we hate to have anyone join, but we're always happy they've found us. (There are some tough days as well ... especially when someone's name is added to the Remembrance Board.) Today, I learned that one of our YSC sisters, who was originally diagnosed in early 2005, discovered she now has mets (i.e., metastatic disease) to her liver, lungs, and bones. She is only 30 years old. Her fighting spirit is AMAZING (particularly since she just learned all of this three days ago) ... and we have every confidence that she will beat this again. Nevertheless, stories such as this do highlight the fact that I will probably always think about cancer and the possibility of recurrence for the rest of my life. Maybe with a number of years out cancer-free, it's less and less in the forefront of one's mind ... but one's life is probably forever changed by having a cancer diagnosis.

People seem to tell me all the time now how inspired they are by the way I've handled this. I have even surprised MYSELF, to be perfectly honest. I have always been analytical and always seem to look for the meaning in life events ... often times reflecting on what is past in hopes of finding some lesson for my future. It has been tempting for me to question how different things would be now had I never used that Pill. But then I am reminded of the poem, The Rubaiyat, by Omar Khayyam (1120 A.D.):

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.

[Translation: Whatever one does in one's life is one's own responsibility and cannot be changed. What is done is done.]

I know that it is through my practice of Buddhism that I have found a great sense of calm and peace with what is. Afterall, one's suffering or innate, inner darkness is only the resistance to that which is true. And once one truly accepts what is true, one can stop suffering and find a relative state of inner peace to rise above any challenge life may throw in one's way. I try to chant daimoku each day ("Nam-myoho-renge-kyo") because I realize that any obstacle can be transformed through the power of this mystic law. Like a beautiful lotus flower that opens up and blooms, it can only exist and flourish in the mud. So sometimes it takes the mud or messiness of life to appreciate what is truly good and beautiful about one's life ... even if it's not picture perfect. Moreover, even where things are not picture perfect as it would exist in the mind's eye, one can still get everything one wants or needs to be happy in this lifetime.

I have often joked that I am a bit of a closet Buddhist. I am not ashamed of Buddhism in any way ... in fact, it is the one aspect of my life that very much gels with who I am and what I believe about the world and how world peace can be achieved. However, I have not always openly shared my practice with others because sometimes it has seemed too difficult or abstract to explain.

[It's not that I have rejected my Judeo-Christian roots or beliefs in its entirety ... but admittedly, I always had a difficult time accepting various interpretations of God's word and even more so with the way I was indoctrinated with the concept of God Himself. It never made sense to me that God was punishing or intolerant of certain people because they did not accept or practice certain religious tenets. I don't believe in a place called Hell where there is fire and a devil with a pitchfork ... hell is right here on earth. And to me, God is not found only in one book or place of worship ... He is everywhere, in all things, including those songs that come on the radio and speak to our very situation, and even in the people we seem to meet at random. If we are made in His image and likeness, then God resides within each of us as well. Hence, the concept of attaining Buddhahood and becoming a Boddhisattva or "enlightened being" free from the coils of suffering. In fact, Jesus was such a Boddhisattva, in my humble opinion. There are no pure coincidences ... all things happen for a reason. And God is as much the observer as He is the creator ... we all have free will to make choices that determine our path. And where the spiritual lessons are not learned in this lifetime, we will repeat these similar lessons in subsequent lifetimes until we finally learn them. We create karmic causes through our thoughts, our words, and our deeds. Every cause has an effect ... so we better make good causes if we wish to be happy. This is what I believe.]

Of course, it has always seemed easier to share my practice with people who are already open to Buddhist philosophy or who "get it" anyway. Some people I know seem to have very advanced souls and live their life with no fear and no regrets. Others seem to struggle within a hellish state of existence, where they perceive things are constantly out of their control and, consequently, they are brought down by their lower life condition. It's hard to see people I care about struggle to find innate happiness when they are not even facing something potentially life threatening ... and yet, in spite of cancer, I still feel happy. This practice has changed my life in so many profound ways and continues to do so. So while I haven't always chanted for things I've wanted with sincere conviction or without any doubt at all, it is my deepest desire to strengthen my practice this year (faith, study, and action) to work toward achieving my life goals. And I believe through my experience and achieving the things I want in this life, it will ultimately plant the seeds for the realization of happiness in the lives of other people. That would indeed be the best birthday wish to come true!