I Think Too Much

Wow, I can't believe how much time has passed since I last wrote an entry. I guess I have more to keep me busy in life these days than just thinking about cancer. On the other hand, I probably think way too much about a great many other things and consequently, I've been having trouble sleeping at night. So it is ... I am still up at 2:20 in the morning ... WIDE AWAKE ... writing in my web blog.

I have ALWAYS been a nightowl ... I can still hear my father in my head from my high school days (usually as I was ironing my school uniform sometime well after midnight), "Camille, GO TO BED!!" I don't know what it is ... I just seem to get really busy at night. I clean, sort through my mail, balance my checkbook, pay bills, watch my TiVo'd Oprah shows (only after I've exhausted all the news channels), find other shows I wish to TiVo, read my Vanity Fair magazine, download music from iTunes, etc. It's almost as if I feel guilty that the whole day has gone by and I haven't done enough things for myself ... you know I'm BIG on enjoying my life. (smile) The flip side is I seem to feel if I go to bed early, tomorrow will be here that much faster ... and have I really accomplished anything TODAY?

The only time I remember feeling eager about going to bed is when I was a child and it was Christmas Eve. I simply couldn't WAIT for Christmas Day to be here already ... toys and other presents await me!! (Funny, I still felt this way even after I had already secretly unwrapped a few of my presents hidden in my parent's bedroom closet and then carefully taped them back in place so as not to look like they had been touched. My cousin, Tanya, and I would merely justify this as the Capricorn in us ... at heart, the Goat really doesn't like surprises.) But even then, I would still have to trick myself into getting sleepy that night ... I would literally count sheep (but backwards) ... 100 baaaaaa, 99 baaaaaa, 98 baaaaaa, 97 baaaaaa. And it would work too!

Sheep counting hasn't been working for me these past couple weeks. Not even tiring myself out with chores at night seems to work. I don't seem to get sleepy until sometime closer to 3:30 or 4:00 in the morning. I'm not sure if this is another effect of chemo or if it's just me thinking too much about the many things I want to get accomplished. Either way, I know my internal clock is very much thrown off.

I have been prescribed Ativan that I can take to "relax" but by the time I feel I really need to take it to get to sleep, it's so late and I know I have to be up in a few short hours. I've been thinking about asking for Ambien CR (controlled release) to sleep ... but I have an irrational fear of sleeping pills ... they scare me. What if I don't wake up? Or what if I ingest something else I unwittingly shouldn't be taking with sleeping pills? Like grapefruit -- which I love and have been eating a lot of lately. Okay, I'm joking ... about grapefruit's interaction with sleeping pills. The truth is I just don't want to become reliant on any pill for any reason. (Sadly, speaking of pill addiction ... I have become so FASCINATED by the legal questions this whole Anna Nicole Smith tragedy has raised. And what else do I have to do so late at night besides watch the news coverage and think about each daily, tabloid-like event as it unfolds? A law school final exam couldn't be scripted any better. It sure beats my 1st year property exam where I had to answer "Who owns the moon?")

Well, I was actually going to update you in this entry on the latest with my chemo treatments, but it will have to wait because now it's late. I have my third of 12 weekly Taxol treatments tomorrow morning ... or rather, today. In fact, my friend, Yolene, will be here to pick me up for it in 6 hours. This means I have to be up in 5 hours. So I guess I should go to bed ... and try to count sheep ... backwards ... because it's now 3:00 am .... but I still won't feel sleepy for another half hour or so. Hopefully, now that I've gotten all this off my chest (no pun intended) ... I won't have too much more to think about. ;-)