Cat Fight ... MEOW!

There seems to be a cat fight brewing on the message board of my online support group. Usually, everyone is very sweet and supportive ... people will chime in to answer questions or give words of encouragement ... basically, we lean on eachother. But as with any group, from time to time there are flare ups of emotions and people will express opinions that inadvertently (or not so inadvertently) hurt other people's feelings. I'm staying out of it.

To summarize, it all began with a post entitled "Sheryl Crow is pissing me off ... sorry, a vent." The author expressed her feelings with regard to Sheryl Crow's guest appearance on Larry King Live the other night to discuss (with several other guests) the recent news of Elizabeth Edwards' recurrence of cancer. Essentially, the poster felt it was inappropriate for Ms. Crow who "only had Stage 1" cancer (an early stage) to have any comment for a woman who is now dealing with an incurable Stage 4 cancer. She went on to state that it angers her that the media gives so much attention to Sheryl Crow as a spokesperson for breast cancer because "she gives women false hope that the bare minimum treatment is okay." The sentiment either was or was interpreted that because Ms. Crow had DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ -- cancer which is confined to the milk ducts and has not spread), did not undergo chemotherapy, did not lose her hair or her breasts, and "only had a lumpectomy and radiation," she did not suffer as many others with breast cancer have.

This generated a flood of angry responses from other women in the support group who were also diagnosed at early stages or earlier than others. One comment went like this: "I cannot know the demons you have faced, but you don't know the demons that others have faced. To imply that one struggle with bc is more noble, honorable, important, difficult, or significant, belittles every other one. A 'stageist' thinks you haven't really suffered if you aren't at their stage or higher. I guess there will always be some women who feel that way. Some will voice it and some will keep mum about it. And others just aren't like that at all and freely care about the struggles of all survivors no matter how early or late their disease was discovered." Another commented, " I 'only' had a lumpectomy, radiation, and take tamoxifen, too. I still have to deal with the fear of recurrance every day, and no one is going to tell me I am less of a 'survivor' because I did not go through chemo or a reconstruction."

I think everyone is feeling rather on edge because Elizabeth Edwards reminds us that metastatic disease can happen to any one of us ... with absolutely no rhyme nor reason. We all have the same fear no matter the stage at which we may have initially been diagnosed. It's evident to me that even among the most supportive, cohesive groups ... like Breast Cancer Support groups ... lines are always being drawn ... consciously or unconsciously. Maybe it is human nature to do so? Part of our innate, fundamental darkness? Stage 0 vs. Stage 1 vs. Stage2 vs. Stage 3 vs. Stage 4 ... Mets to the lung beats Mets to the bone ... Mets to the liver beats Mets to the lung ... then, brain Mets trumps them all! The problem is when we start to assign "worthiness" to different sub-classes of this shared horrible experience. There's no such thing as having a little bit of cancer. It's like being a little pregnant!

Nevertheless, there is one woman in my group named Tammy Lou who always has just the right words, just the right quips, and just the right sense of humor. (Despite numerous failed attempts she has had at reconstructing her breasts -- reasons too complicated to explain here, she continues to maintain a positive and hopeful view of her circumstances.) Eventually, she mediated the entire argument and brought this cat fight to an end with the following response:

"We just met this past weekend and now I find myself wondering if you hate me because I didn't lose my hair like you did?" (quoting Michelle)

Yes, I hate you.

I hate you in the same way that I hate the "naturally skinny" women in the world who eat bowls and bowls of ice cream and never get fat.

In my imaginary mind, those women are not "real" people.

AND, I hate all of the women who had reconstruction and walked out of the O.R. with picture perfect breasts.

I do.

It's not a pretty thing.

It's grief and envy and all sorts of normal human emotions.

But, it isn't real.

And, I don't really hate them or you.

I'm just angry and upset and I say things that I don't really mean because it is easier than facing my own grief. Alone.

If I am "mad" at you for whatever reason, then I am not alone.

You are with me.

It is much easier that way...when I am not so alone.

Love,tl

P.S. A very wise woman once said, "Your mumps does not make my measles better."

Hypothetically.