Do you want the good news or the bad news?

The good news is I will NEVER have to worry about a recurrence with breast cancer. The bad news is my surgery was cancelled today because I am going to have to have a mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. I know, I know ... I am just as shocked and devastated by the news. I'm okay with it all now, but just really, really tired from a very long, involved day. I am cheating and simply posting what I wrote earlier to my YSC sisters at my online support group. (I will post more in the coming days ... but my head is still reeling with the surprising news ... and I just want to lie down. But I also wanted to keep everyone updated for the moment. I know so many of you were thinking of me today and had me in your prayers. I so appreciate that and really do feel all the love.)

I am home now, but in such a DAZE. Still trying to get my mind around it all.

A recent MRI confirmed that chemo shrunk the two tumors I had significantly. However, the mammogram I had today to assist with placement of the wire guide showed I still have DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ or "precancer" confined to the mammary ducts) extending over a large 4-5 cm area. Apparently, an MRI can pick up invasive cancer, but it does not show DCIS so it can be misleading.

Anyway, my surgeon told me he could try to do a wide excision but he could not assure clean margins with the extended area of DCIS. On top of that, it would leave my current 34C breast pretty deformed and he didn't feel it was ethical to try for a lumpectomy. So the decision is made, I guess.

I consulted immediately with a plastic surgeon my surgical oncologist recommended and praised highly ... I was truly a squeezed in appointment. However, I did not leave the PS's office feeling completely confident. He did tell me he could try for skin sparing with me, but he would prefer more "droop" in my breasts to do an "anchor" incision (from the nipple downward and then one curved incision on the underside of my breast). Otherwise, he would work with whatever incision my surgeon used (diagonal or straight across). For all that I've learned on this website, he didn't give me a straight answer on what type of implants he would use (i.e., high profile, moderate profile, teardrop, gummy bear, etc.). Instead, he said he is more concerned with reconstruction that won't create more complications for me. In other words, if he tries to do everything I want for purely cosmetic reasons, it could possibly cause more problems for me ... so cosmetics is not the foremost priority. I am paraphrasing here cuz I can't really remember everything he said specifically. I get what he was saying about my health being the priority, but why can't I also strive for a FANTABULOUS result?? He left me feeling like I won't have the great looking breasts I have now, but they will be about the same size and more "mature looking" (these were his exact words). WTF does that mean???

The pics I saw of his work looked GREAT for cosmetic breast augmentation and breast reduction. But he only had ONE photo of reconstruction after mastectomy with expanders/implants to show me ... it was just OK. His book was pulled apart for a consult he was doing earlier, and he said he'd have to locate the others and he didn't have time at that exact moment. Understandable given the time constraints of my non-appointment, I guess.

I know I have a lot to consider in a short amount of time ... my surgeon doesn't want to wait too long (i.e., more than 2 weeks) since I've finished chemo and doesn't want the cancer to start growing again. But I do want to assure myself that I can get GREAT results ... I know it's possible because I've seen plenty of examples here!

My head is still reeling from all this and I cried a good bit because I thought they were forcing me to make a decision about having a mastectomy TODAY. I'm now okay with it all ... I just want to make sure I can find a good PS ... oh, who also has privileges at the same hospital as my surgeon (Baptist Hospital in Miami) ... the other challenge here.

This whole experience seems so surreal ... I can't even believe I'm talking about MYSELF when I tell people about my battle with breast cancer.