Screw Cancer!

And screw my good eating habits too ... for today anyways. I had a big, fat, chunky hamburger with cheese, greasy french fries, and a Coca-Cola that burned the back of my throat for lunch! Mmm, mmm, good!!!

Tomorrow is my surgery. I have been very emotional today ... so I ate emotionally too. It was worth it ... to me.

I've been holding up rather well since my lumpectomy was scrapped at the last minute. I had a very enjoyable Memorial Day weekend with some friends who stayed with me ... we even did a spa day at the Ritz Carlton. A little on the pricey side (even with a friend's discount), but the champagne flowed generously so I didn't complain ... and this time I wasn't so buzzed that I mistakingly washed my hands with the green mouth wash (like I did the last time I was there). I did, however, forget to turn in the locker key. Oh, well ... who needs locker #32 in view of the other 250 lockers available at the Ritz Carlton anyway?

Last night, after my friends left me at home alone, I realized what I'm really going to be doing tomorrow ... and how different I will actually look and feel. Gosh, this sucks. I had to go to Target last night, minutes before they closed (yes, denial), to buy some pajamas that button down in the front since getting my arms into pullover nightwear may be challenging. I cried driving home and I've been pretty teary eyed all day today at work too. I don't even know why I came to work ... what a waste. I didn't do much today but read countless posts found on my online support group regarding recon and tissue expanders.

I am afraid of the impending pain ... I've been trying to gauge what to expect by what other people say. All I know is everyone tolerates pain differently ... so I know as much as I did before I even asked. I've probably made my pre-surgery jitters worse. I feel like I need a valium before I even get started tomorrow, but I have all kinds of restrictions on meds and food for the next 24 hours. Nothing to eat after midnight tonight. That means I have approximately 5 hours left to wolf down a big slice of carrot cake! I'm talking like this is the last supper before I'm sent to the electric chair, huh? Well, that's the same kind of anxiety I'm having ... I would imagine.

Thoughts and prayers are much appreciated right now ... and much needed. Please pray I don't have a massive coronary before my mastectomy. I certainly don't need any further delays. [Forced smile inserted here.]